Gutes Guterman

"Hito Steyerl, Hito Steyerl, Hito Steyerl, say her name three times fast in a mirror and you will be transported into an undersea cable network, greeted by the fearsome Techlords, who will – right before your very eyes – be engulfed in a wave of pixelated flames. You will be reminded that being alive and being online has its consequences, and then you will ask yourself why did that fire look so… chunky?"

"Ah, invisible ink mode… the most un-secret of secret delivery methods (for ultimate privacy, I recommend carrier pigeon). It gets your message to the recipient in the form of glimmers, which is just so devilishly obvious! I adore it."

"I’ve said this before but I’ll repeat it here – my favorite kind of correspondence is one that is almost indistinguishable from a performance. A word dance, a love confessional, something vague masquerading as something profound, something profound masquerading as something vague… The possibilities for our communications are endless, and so are the ways in which we can end them. When stumped on how to finish off my Gmail delusion, I turn to Good Signoffs by Meg Miller on Are.na to find the perfect prose with which I will wrap up my fruity word vomit. I feel like I’m giving away a really big secret here, so I hope no one thinks any less of my letters – they are always signed with a kiss, whether or not it was my own!"

"A slightly niche, but incredibly useful tool for when you want to draft those useless love letters to your deceased first love, Pushkin. Oh? You don’t actually want to do that? Well, that’s fine. In any case, this is particularly helpful when typing in Russian on a laptop and I like to keep it bookmarked for ultra proximity (speaking of which… refer to #5)."

"Sorry, it’s not that I think you’re an idiot who doesn’t know what the bookmarks bar is, it’s just that I have found, through meticulous research and observation, that it is incredibly underutilized by so many people that I know. Do you realize how nifty it is to have all your links sorted, waiting patiently for your click? At work, my bookmarks bar has things like ARTNET, MailChimp, and my gallery website (I will not reveal my place of employment because people are scary). At home, some of my bookmarks include folders like 'Recipes :-),' 'MONA' (for the Mona Lisa), and 'ETC.' You don’t even have to think, just look and it's right there."

"Watching 'The Bachelor' gives me a headache – actually, no, it gives me the goddamn shivers as I watch 30 beautiful women fight for what they think is a modern form of soul-searching. That being said, I love love and all of the disgusting things we do for it. So 'The Bachelor,' for me, is like the most perfect dessert ever that I unfortunately ate way too much of, yet I can’t seem to stop, and, I swear to god, any minute now I am going to PUKE! @bachelorclues breaks it down in a way that is digestible, so I can avoid the sugar-induced heartburn (heartache?) and giggle at the absurdness of reality television in peace. (I’m pretty sure there is a podcast that goes with it, but I’ve never listened.)"

"The Wikipedia game is the most simple yet thrilling game you can play on the web. All you need is the internet (+ Wikipedia access), a working knowledge of how to click around on your computer, and, ideally, an opponent! Some suggest all players starting on the same randomly selected article, but I prefer doing different ones, as it adds a little element of chance and luck to an otherwise bureaucratic game. Truly a roller coaster ride each time, or maybe I’m just easily entertained."

"Let’s just lump this all into one glorious little affair, shall we? For sexy and provocative goods, I recommend Master Bedroom, a chic shop run by my friend Owen Langan. For gorgeous jewelry that will pull at your heartstrings, I suggest my friend Gemma N.A. Hunt. Also, @tastyhandpullednoodles for when you want to see a beautiful girl smiling through downtown! I don’t actually know @maggiedunlap but I like her very much, though she’s not for the light-hearted or anyone with a stick up their ass. The Prayingg website is good, too. Also check out @arthandlermag and @contemporaryfuck (this one is in Russian). Some great meme accounts: @meetmeintranspecos, @starterpacksofnyc, @themasterofcum and @wipeyadocsoff. Can’t forget @jonrafmancellectuals. (This is all on Instagram, by the way!) On Twitter, my friend Meetka (@meetka) is very funny, my friend Tristan (@trjstn) is HILARIOUS, @cher too but we aren’t friends. I'm pretty bad at listening to things so I won't recommend any podcasts other than the Ion Pack, but I'll happily suggest Montez Press Radio. Um, I feel like I’m missing some and I’m really sorry but I really ought to wrap this up!"